Bits by Snowdog
- well, well Boris the animal has a visitor
I guess one every 40 years is OK
- it's a cake - I decide what it is
looks like some kind of cake
she's clean, well not clean but you know!!!
- O God!
- Boris the animal, you got a visitor - it's just Boris
your letters have been a soul nourishing time
- and you are much more
unconventionally handsome than your photos
- this isn't a conjugal visit, so quit your conjugating
- when's the last time you conjugated anything?
I see that you brought me a treat darling!
would you mind cutting this up for us it's a special day
I'm a romantic like that
- Oh I wouldn't do that - why's that?
- it will ruin your figure
you complete me
the big one
- Boris, you promised to take me with'ya we had a deal
- Obadiah Price! Yes... I did make you a promise
- wait! I smell something
- you can't win Boris! - hmm, lets agree to disagree
- there’s too many of us - it's rather hot in here
mind if I open a window?
sorry darling, we did love the cake
let's rewrite history, shall we K
MEN IN BLACK III
- afternoon, please give your attention to my associate Agent J
he's going to demonstrate an electro-biomechanical neural transmitting
zero synapse repositioner, we call it the Neuralizor
keep it simple, slick - thanks a lot
thank you, Agent K. Ladies and gentlemen if you will, look right here
Ok! And now you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell-phone off
and you like, I ain't turning my cell-phone off I got nuthin' to do with no damn aeroplane
Well!! This what we get, that’s what happens
it gets up there, bounces around on the satellites... and BAMM!!!
just turn your damn cell-phone off, now you gonna drop off a cliff
tonight because your GPS don't work
- get onto the service department I want to know who was driving that thing
- yes sir
- So? What you gonna say tonight? - don't worry
- No, I'm very worried this is important - I'm hungry, you hungry?
K!
seriously, I'm not even sure that’s meat, I think I just saw a tooth in that thing
- or... a claw... a hoof - thanks Manny
- that does not belong in a pita it belongs in a casket
- you know what would go good with this it'd be silence..
- well see, here's the problem
you can't smell it because your nose already smells like that
but my nose doesn't
- silence goes good with a lot of things, you ever try it or is talking the way you breathe?
- if you hate me just say you hate me don't take it out on the car
- let me enjoy this - whoa... enjoyment
so that’s what enjoyment looks like on that face I like that emotion
- I keep emotion out of it - out of what K... life?
sure you don't want to run it by me, let me know what you're gonna say tonight
- don't worry - Oh, no I'm worried... very worried
it's the man's eulogy, you gonna have to show some feeling
you know that thing that human people do
when they change the expression on their face
I worked with Z for 40 years, he was a hell of an agent and I have written a hell of a speech for him
- people will be moved - hmm hmm
- and now a few words from Agent K
- I worked with Z for over 40 years and in all that time he never invited me to dinner,
he never asked me to his house to watch a game,
he never shared a single detail of his personal life
- he's moved
- thank you
- and now, we will hear from our new Chief, agent O
- thank you Agent K that was very moving
- that was your eulogy? - he was a good man
- ladies gentlemen, other life forms
when I told the finucian Zyglot about Z's passing
she said something that I'm going to repeat
and I'm paraphrasing
that's just so Z, thank you
- you lose something over there hondo? - can you promise me if I go first
you'll do better than that at my funeral
yeah, something like ahh J was a friend
now there’s a big part a me that’s gone
Ohh J! All the things that I should'a said
'cept I was too old and cranky and surly and shit... tight
I was too tight
now I'm gonna miss your caramel brown skin
- I'll wing something
K,It's O. We have reports of several humans
suffering from intestinal worms
of alien origin
- thankyou, O
- man, how did you get to be like you? Seriously, something happened K what happened?
- you know how I live such a happy life
- how you live such a happy life?
- I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answer too
- thats deep
Jeffrey!!
- what do I know you? - your services are legendary
so says your father, Obadiah - you were in Lunar-max
- there is no prison that can hold me
- cool for you, what do you need from me man?
- the Device. I'm going back in time to kill a man before he takes my arm
- Ohh! K! J! So happy to see you.. Mr Wu get you your legula table
you no hunglee? - show us the tanks, Wu
- oh sure, sure, you look vellee flesh!
- show us the tanks in the back
- haha.. so sorry no speakee Engrish, you come back later OK
- save the chopsake bullshit for the tourists, Wu
- hey, why you guys want to bust my balls for?
- you don't have no balls Wu
Oh, man, you look like you come from the planet.... Damn!
- and Bob here is a clear violation of Health Ordinance 32,
selling unlicensed extra-terrestrial
food stuffs
- that is an Earth fish, very traditional in China
you arrest me, that's a hate crime
- it would be if you were Chinese
- K, come on, I got larvae to feed
- who's the Spikeyball before for Wu? - nobody
- who’s it for - I keep him just in case
- in case what? - I don't know, anybody - alright... slug - whoa, whoa
Wu, he and I are having issues in our relationship right now
but you shouldn't have to suffer for that
- thank you, J!
- so if you don't like getting fish slapped,
I'm gonna need you to keep to our agreements
Earth people get Earth fish, real Earth fish
- on behalf of my pathetic self and worthless children
you stay, allow me most honorable benefit of serving you favourite noodles K
- we don't want none of your nasty-ass noodles
- you're a piece of shit, Wu
- shrimp and bok-choy, we're gonna be here for awhile
- that was just mean
what you did to Wu back there
smashed his skirt off thats just, disrespectful
- I used to play a game with my dad "what would you have for your last meal"
you could do worse than this
- ohh Ok! Umm. I used to play a game with my dad called Catch!
'cept I would throw the ball and it would just hit the wall 'cause he wasn't there
- don't badmouth your old man
- I'm not badmouthing him, its that I didn't really know him
its not right
- You damn right its not right, little boy needs a father - Table one hasn't ordered a thing
table three over there, just drank his fourth cup of duck sauce
K, the crashed ship from this morning was reported stolen from
- from Lunar-Max prison, Boris the animal - How did you know??
Always had a taste for Spikeyball duck Give us a minute will you chief
- We in a situation - Yeah
I'll take the cloropod, you take the trihanadee and hidronian over there.
I'll take whoevers in the kitchen and meet you on the street
This is a very confusing time in my life
Keep your mouth closed, keep your head down!
Hello, K!
- Boris the animal - Its just Boris
You haven't changed very much
I see the arm, I shot off, is still shot off
Yes! My arm
We've thought about that moment every day for the last 40 years
Well, that’s just not living a full life
- I can promise you it will be longer than yours - Lonelier too
Since your last Boglodyte standing - We'll see about that
but first I wanted the pleasure of killing you
- Yo, K!
- Where the hell have you been - Fishing!
You don't know it K, but you're already dead
- You alright
Can I have everyone’s attention, please!
Thank you. Ok! You know how your kid won that Goldfish
in that little baggy from the school fair, and you don't want that nasty thing in
your house so you told your kid it ran away
but what you really did was flush it down the toilet
Well, this what happens
OK so, you what I'm talking about don't lie to your kid
Man, I'm getting too old for this, I can only imagine how you feel
Boris the animal. I put him away a long time
ago, and its the worst mistake I ever made
- Why? Was he innocent? - I should've killed him
- Well, lets go get him - No!
- No? - Leave it alone, it's above your pay grade
- We're partners, we have the same pay grade
- It has nothing to do with you!
- Mind your own business - OK.
First of all get rid of a little bass out your voice
and secondly as long as spikey boy is running
round town, this is my whole business.
You will Forget about Boris.Or my report will
reflect, that your conduct has been unbecoming
Well maybe my report is gonna reflect some shit too OK
- You are suspended for two weeks - Bullshit
Four ... weeks
How about I quit?
There are things out there, that you do not need to know
That’s not the lie you told when you recruited me
- howsya pops - lose your partner? - rrrha
Last shuttle to Almazalbab leaving in 2 minutes
- Search - Boris the animal - Boris the animal! Boglodyte assassin
Boglodytes were a rogue alien race that consumed all planets in their path
Boris the animal was the only suspect in a series of alien murders
committed on Earth - Incident report
Boris the animal was convicted for the following
murders that occurred on July 15th 1969
Murder no. 1: Coney Island, 10:37 AM Roman the fabulous
- Murder #2: the factory - Refine search
- Agent K
- Jr. Agent K caught and arrested Boris the animal
on July 16 '69 at Cape Canaveral, Florida
- Cape Canaveral - Agent K received
the highest commendation for heroic action
including implementation of the ArcNet Defense System,
which protected the Earth from a Boglodyte invasion,
- and led to the races extinction - Details
- Access restricted - Excuse me
Clearance level Senior Agent, class 1, J
- Access denied - What?
So, why this sudden interest in your partners old exploits
What happened between Boris and K?
That's easy, K imprisoned Boris,
he put up the ArcNet, he protected the Earth from the Boglodytes..
He did his job
You know that's not what I'm asking you
Cape Canaveral. What happened?
Something that changed him
Leave it at that
So you two go way back huh
That's classified
A word of advice, agent J don't ask questions,
you don't want to know the answer to
That is funny, that is exactly what K said
He's a very wise man
Take the rest of the night off
- What? - Guess I owe you some answers, hoss
What you feeling chatty all of a sudden? sorry, I can't talk right now
I got some secret cases of my own I'm working on
I need to tear you away from your video game
Alright, I'm hanging up
You know the most destructive force in the universe?
- Sugar? - Regret
You don't have to wait just talk
I promised you the secrets of the universe, nothing more
So what, Is there secrets out there that the universe don't know about
Can I help you??
K?
5K
I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk
Can I, I'm so sorry I don't now what..
Mommy, look what the dude is do..doing, he drinks my milk
I'm sorry!
He didn't say "Please"
- K get in yet? - Who?
- you new? - very funny, Agent J
J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain
Thank God for that 10hr stakeout
And who are you?
Exactly. Feel like a whole new man today like this great weight has been lifted
I mean I've had these anger issues my entire life, but now I can see I was just mad at myself
- and my step mother. - Sir, I'm gonna need you to stop talking
Its like I closed this emotional window
but yesterday I threw a brick right through that the window
and I just want to thank you for handing me that brick J
Okay, whoever you are, I need you give me
five feet or I'm gonna pluck you in the throat
OK, I'm goin' to the little-mens and black-room
and then we'll go find those morons the bogsandthera. Lunch is on me
- Who was that? - Double A, your partner
I'm gonna need you go get me some chocolate milk, alright just a really big glass,
and have you seen K? Did he call in sick or anything
Who's K?
Orite, orite!
K, alright you got me
I'll give it to you its funny Very elaborate,
Oh and all of you, fantastic performances
I can't believe you waited 14 years to develop a sense of humor,
but this is a good one
but K, I need to come round here now, cause I'm
really starting to get a little bit pissed off
Agent J, would you mind keeping your voice
down and tell me who it is you're looking for
- I'm looking for K - Who is K?
- You too, you too!! - I mean who is he to you
My partner. Older gentleman
110, maybe 111 years sort of a surly, Elvis thing happening
When he smiles, like this... Seen him around??
- I'll take you to K - Thank you!
What is that supposed to be
That’s K He's been dead for over 40 years
Hmm OK, see the prerequisite for a joke
is that it be funny - It's never been funny
Computer, Agent K and Boris the Animal
Men In Black: Incident Report 16 July '69
Location: Cape Canaveral
Perpetrator Boris the Animal escaped and fled Earth
assumed to have returned to home planet Bogladosha 20 light years away
Agent K, pronounced dead at scene and awarded posthumous commendation
for meritorious actions which prevented greater loss of human life
That's not what happened
I just looked at this report K put Boris away
Agent K is dead
- Well I just talked to him last night - You are imagining things
I'm not imagining anything
- Get a pscyh team up here right now - Yes, ma'am!
Aqua Velva aftershave I didn't imagine that
For every stakeout endless hours of cowboy music
Every morning with his coffee and he'd say, he'd say sumthing like, Hey slick
This coffee tastes like dirt
and I was supposed to say what do you expect?
- It was just ground this morning
How do you know that?
Chocolate milk, sir!
Where you been man, it was like an hour ago
Wait ! how long have you been craving chocolatised dairy products?
Just for today
Are you experiencing headache, dizziness. Loss of balance?... - Hmm
- Agitation, depression? - Hell yeh!
There are only two possibilities
One is You've been bitten by the Orvathian brain tick
and could die in horrible agony at any moment
Damn! It's not the Tick
Damn! It it not the Tick.
There’s something worse than the Tick?
Your obsession with chocolate milk indicates that you
might be involved in some sort of temporal fracture
I don't know what your talking about
chocolate milk relieves temporal fracture headache...
What's a temporal fracture?
A break in the time lines
I don't know what your talking about
Time travel...Time travel
There’s no such thing as time travel
- Well, there is - No, there’s not
because if there were
a class one senior agent such as myself, would
have been made aware of it wouldn't he have??
- Were it not not classified and way above his pay grade
You know what? I need a raise
There was one man. a scumbag Obadiah Price. He figured it out, we busted him,
we made time travel illegal throughout the universe
and he is serving life on Lunar-Max
- That’s where Boris was locked up
- If Boris could work out how to time jump
he could seriously change the course of history
Attention: Early warnings have been engaged. Inbound hostile warship entering
Solar System
Boglodyte markings and language detected
Boglodyte? Boris is a Boglodyte, but they're extinct
- Apparently not.. - catastrophic Earth attack- Imminent
- Turn on the ArcNet! - The What?
The ArcNet! The Defense system! K got it specifically for the Boglodytes
There is no K! He's been dead for over 40 years
No K. No defense system Boris jumped back and killed him
If you want to save the world. You're going to have to stop that from happening
You have to find Jeffrey Price, he's Obadiah's son
Hope the little squirt hasn't skipped town
Cheers, J! This planet's toast
Hi, how can I help you? We're having
an amazing sale on batteries
Whoa Ok, we got other stuff like headphones, adapters..or
You helped Boris the animal time jump
Whoa, whoa OK I had to that dudes a freak
He killed my partner!
I want to know when and where you sent him
- What you think like I keep a log book... Huh
- Target Vector target: July 16, 1969 - Alright, alright
that’s a real bummer, about your buddy I'm sure that he was like really a great guy
but in the whole of space-time continuum your friend
was like a little blip on the historical radar
Oh, that's a big blip
Ok! What's the plan? - Your gonna send me back to July 15, 1969
No that’s a a stupid plan because I sent Boris to July 16th
I'm not worried about that one I'm gonna go back and kill the younger Boris
before the older one even shows up - That way neither of them will even exist
that's why you get to wear the Black suit No... you gonna leave me hanging
Ok! Oh! I just thought of something. You know
either way back then New York was like a biggish city
So how are you gonna really find him - On July 15 Boris killed
an alien Roman the fabulous at Coney Island
- and you get there first and be waiting for him
dude they should give you two black suits - My man for real
Oh right! Sorry
- Um, this is the real deal. Time jump gear very rare, very old
but first we gotta get high
- Hey No! - No, no I mean really high
hey a little help here
thank you. Ok
- You know the rules of time jump, right? - Just give me the short version
- Ok you want to save your partner a word
of advice: Stay away from him
- Yeah I got it. Stay away from K.. just kill Boris
Now take these, 'cause it gets pretty windy on the way down
The way down??
- and with your eyes tearing up its hard to read the time dial
plus it help you look like a real time traveler which is cool!
I am not jumping offa this building
Time jump
Ok! Now you got to set this thing to the 15th
That seems right..ish
Now all you gotta do is jump
Hey! Hey! Stop, stop it
Now as soon as you're moving fast enough that circle is gonna fill up with some sort of
green time travel liquid or some such and its gonna glow really bright
as soon as that happens you need to break that blue laser line
with your thumb to complete the circuit
At the height that should be ..err lets see
- mass of Earth 30 something feet per minute
- It's 32 feet per second per second
- That sounds right...ish
so that would be I guess about 2 feet off the ground
- I break the laser line? - No, don't break it
- I mean when I'm fast enough - Sounds good
- Boy do I break the laser line or do I not break the laser line
- Do not lose that time device or you will be stuck in 1969
wasn't the best time for your people
- I'm just saying its a like a lot cooler now - How will I know if it works
You'll either know, or you won't
- You must really love this guy to do this - Oh, wait!
how come I remember K but nobody else does
- oh, whoa! That means you were there - I was where?
If you survive you gotta come back and tell me everything...OK
Where was I
You gotta go...go..go ..go
July 15, 1969, 9:12AM
No, No
Go!!
Wall Street drop! Billions lost in new stock
War is over!
- my man what's today? - Tuesday!
- the date - the 15th - of
- July?
- dog, the year? - 1969
thank you looking at me like I'm crazy
- Get us checked in - Yes! Yes!
Hey! Hey! Do me a favor alright just be careful with the luggage
- Absolutely sir - paid a lot of money for that luggage
- We'll take great care - Last time I was here it got scuffed up
I had to replace it
- Here you go sir, just call down when you need it
- But there are other bags in the trunk - Yeh! It'll be in your room
just go ahead
Excuse! Who is that? Who you are?
Lets go
- Far out man! - If you want to keep that I wouldn't
- Make your love, not war!
I prefer to do both
Alrighty officers what can I do you for?
Well look at this, power windows power seats
- I bet you this thing cost $ 6000. - Ah yes, and has a roof, but its hidden
- Hey! What kind of work do you do, an individual with your particular
ethnic persuasion
Maybe he's a noted athlete
Yes! Ah, starting forward for the Detroit Darkies
- Where'd you get the car - And the suit?
I stole them both, car from your wife suit from your grandmother
- Hey what do we have here a concealed weapon?
- Hey! its His grandmother's suit
- hey, what's this? - Probably drugs
Listen, I have rights and I demand to see my lawyer before you
you press that small button on the side firmly
- Press it
That gentlemen is a standard issue neuralizor
but you're not gonna remember that
and just because you see a black man driving in a nice car does not mean its stolen
I stole that one but not cos I'm black!
I'll be done with the car in just a minute
find it and take it back to Roosevelt Hotel
- where is the archanian? - you're too late
he's going to give humans the ArcNet
let's agree to disagree
- We'll take it from here - K? K!
Dad ..I'm on Earth I need bail
You need to turn electricity down on that damned thing
can't taste my freakin' tongue, K!
How do you know my name?
What? Because I called you K? I call everybody K. It's kinda my thing
Whatup K?
K, wassuup
Its kinda my thing
It's just some people like it most people
- Now I know what you look like when you're lying
Why not show me what you look like when you're telling the truth
I won those at Coney Island on the ring toss
I won a stuffed bear once but never one of these. Must be good slick
- alright, sir I was minding my own business
I was out there waiting for my girl who by the way
is probably worried sick, looking for me, right now
So...I, I just need my things, and I need to get back to her
- What's your girls name? - Huh
Your gal, whats her name
Shteron
Shteron?!
I bet that Shteron likes that suit of yours
What, is it a crime to wear a black suit?
Alright listen! I haven't done anything wrong and I need to get out of here
Sir! I cannot be here with you
Terribly sorry X is frightfully upset, about the whole Coney Island incident...
Thanks for the heads up
O Man this coffee tastes like dirt
- What do you expect
it was ground this morning
- O??
No, I call ladies O
To me O Is feminine, K is masculine
you know I see a couple I'm like OK
- What a mess, any casualties? - Yes. Roman the fabulous
- Any human casualties? - No, sir
Who the hell is this?
- look I was just.. - A stray human, he was caught in the net
Code 43 him and throw him back..
Sir, your'e going to be late for meeting with the Viagrans. They have a revolutionary new pill...
It's very ...
Okay, slick
- I was waiting for my girl - Shteron?
Yes, She's Greek
Okay. Just one last thing. An eye exam
That's not an eye exam K that's a big-assed Neuralizor
You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything
I see what your saying, ohh.. wait..
K we need to hold up a second, K
- just get this bite guard in here - hey, back off, back off
K, listen. I think we got off on the wrong foot orright, just stop for a second and talk
Don't put me in here K
- Turn it on
- K, listen to me I can help you with this case
- K! I am doing the truth phase, you missing it
- Nah, I'll just use my imagination
K, the killer your looking for, I'm after the
same guy. He's a Boglodyte, his name is Boris
Ship has sailed amigo
- K, if we don't get him now there will be two of him
- You have my undivided attention
One 'll have one arm, one will have two. K, listen to me!
If we erase me...we erase the whole world
15 seconds to neuralization
14, 13, 12
11, 10, 9
- When you see Boris tomorrow K, kill him
Do not arrest him, kill him
4, 3, 2
Is this thing off? Hey, I don't think its all the way off K
Its whirrin' and, and buzzin'
I don't know if I know nothin'
I knew Roman His wife cooked me dinner once,
and while it was not pleasant he was my friend
Last chance, Who are you and what do you know?
I am an agent of "Men in Black" but I'm from the future. We're partners
25 years from now you're gonna recruit me
and 14 years after, the guy you didn't let me kill at Coney Island
he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past
and unleashes a full scale invasion of Earth
We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him so we really need to go right now
- Alright
So that's the story you believe
- That one was the truth. It wasn't the whole truth, but I guess it'll do for now
- What the hell you talking about? Of course its the whole truth
I told you everything. Problem with a lie
is once you start lying.. you put your
- Agent K! What's he still doing here?
- I might have cooked him for too long
thought I better walk him out
- I put my pants on
- OK, future man where to??
- I don't know!? - What do you mean you don't know?
I don't know, arrgh go wherever you went last time
-I haven't been here last time I didn't tell you where I went
- No, I mean we don't really talk
- What kind of partners sit in a car all day every day for 14 years and don't talk?
- Exactly! And this is the type of problem it causes - dysfunction
- All right sport you better get useful real quick, or you're going back to room 43
- Man!
There was something in the file about a factory
something happened at a factory
Hey look man you can put your Jedi Knight on me all you want, that’s all I got
- That spark somethin'? - Roman had this on his person when he was murdered
- its a matchbook - No
It's a clue, he didn't smoke
- you lose something over here Hondo - No
Hey man how old are you?
- 29 - You have some city miles on you
- I am starting to understand why we don't talk
- How well you know this place - I know its reputation
- I don't like it, I hate going in blind I'll gonna need my gun
- Sure thing slick - Whoa, K!
wait, no! I have to go in with you
- you just sit tight I'll be fine - Wait! No!
K! K, don't go in by yourself
- Hi fellas. Need to see the boss - He's busy!
Alright I'm just going to take a look around
- Looks like we have ourselves a stand-off
- Looks that way
- still keep the key under the ash tray
- lucky guess
- Now where were we?
- I was just about to tell you to screw off
- Hey, Slick you bowl in the future?
- Absolutely MIB League champ 3 years running
- Let's see it
- Ohh you cannot just walk into my establishment and rip my head off
- My man look, we don't have a lot of time for this!
you really need to tell him something
- I tell him this! - alright, it's your head
- Wait! Hey if you do this
I'm gonna hunt you down and I will make sure you walk funny for the rest of your miserable life
Two spare, slick
You miss with the wrong head
- His head is little - Won't you tell us where don is?
I'll kill you both! I swear I'll kill both of you
- Ow! He thinks it hurts a little, do you want me to clean it?
- Yeah, sure. Here is your thing - No! No! No! No! Ahh come on
Alright he's in the back but he's not going to talk to any
men in black scum like you, now give me back my head
- K, I call this one lower hanging fruit
- That isn't a finger hole you sick bastard. Ow, I'm gonna cut your head off and see how you like it Ow
- Um-mm - I'll kill both of you, I'm gonna kill both of you
- Well we're on the right track - Its the wrong train
- If he had any secrets we can guess he spilled em
- A smart man would figure out what your victims have in common
- A smart man would
- That's a big ass phone
- Don't you put it to your head - Agent O
- How was your day, Agent K?
- Well fair to middling. How are things going with you? - very good thank you
- Hey you saw it like an hour ago
- I need clean up and containment. Now listen I got a dead Parlaxian
Roman was a Bivoid
correct me if I'm wrong from the same planetary group
- Yes, a free planet system in the Trianguling Galaxy wiped out by the Boglodytes
- and that third planet wasn't it Glamoria
Thank you, Miss O
We know where Boris is headed to next your clue, slick
it's not a factory, its The Factory
Alright, Look if Boris turns up or be in here I'm going to kill him, I need my gun
No deal
I have been an agent for 14 years, which means I am the senior agent on this case
now I hate to pull rank but as senior agent,
I am instructing my junior agent that’s you
to give me my gun right now that’s an order
No. No, no. Space gun
- You're welcome
I didn't say thank you
- for such an ungainly species they really thrived here on Earth
- yes I was an agent for three years before I realised all models were aliens
I find out the hard way
- Password. - Hey, look, funky 60's dude
we don't have a lot of time - Janis Joplin
- Anybody here who's not an alien
- Very nice. Blink, wait, look into camera
- Is that Andy Warhol?
- Yep
- Excuse me Mr. Warhol, can we have a minute?
- Now is not a good time This is a 'b' act
- Just a few questions
- No questions, no answers, just me
- We have an urgent matter we'd like to discuss
with you regarding one of your party guests
- Why don't you come back next week after the happening has happened
- I'm sorry Mr Warhol you like, talk a little slow, we got important stuff to do
and a planet to save
- You're distressing, everything about you upsets me
- Goddamnit, K were you trying to blow my cover
- Agent W, your cover is safe - Whoa! Andy Warhol is one of us?
- Safe? Are you out of your mind I am so out of ideas I'm painting soup cans and bananas for christs sakes
- Actually Mr. Warhol, I gotta tell you I really love your work
- Ohh - thank you who's the dumb ass?
- Whoa, hey how about a little professional courtesy here
- What's that dumb ass? - Say it again
- Do you want me to? - I dare you
- Dumb ass - Agents
- You know, I will have no problem pimp slapping the shiznit out of Andy Warhol
- What?
- Why are you looking at me?
Ohh alright you know what Agent K, while you
see what information you can get from Agent W
and I'll go... case the perimeter
- that work for everybody? - good, do that - alright, how 'bout that - cute
- OK? - very nice
don't forget his nap huh
- Hey how you doing? - chillin'
- Who's that guy? Ok don't tell me he's your new partner
- actually he's my old partner
he traveled back from the future to save the planet
- Jesus, stop don't tell me I don't want to know
- Andy, Yoko's here
- tell her that I'm filming this man eating a hamburger
it's transcendent. Alright now the pickle..
So what are you doing on my turf, K?
Tracking a killer Boglodyte we have reason to
believe he's gonna hit here next, a Glamorian
- Glamorian? Err no, right solar system wrong planet. No he's gotta be after the Arcanian
- no, Arcanians are extinct - apparently they're not
one washed ashore last week the whole Roswell circuit's all-a-buzz about it
Alien unicorn, the last of its species his name's Griffin
Griffin the Arcanian
How's it going?
Going? How's it going? Well it depends for me personally it's good
things are good see unless of course we're in the possible future
where the the muscle boy near the
door gets into an argument with his girlfriend which causes her to storm away
and bump into the guy with the stuffed mushrooms who then dumps them into the sailor and a shoving
match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here in which case I gotta move my plate like right now
Or if its the possible future in which the pastrami
sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress
but thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of
the antacids he carries in his right pocket
so good, I'll be good
except in the case of the possible future where
I have to leave in two and half minutes
just before he has the chance to offer me the
antacids so on the whole I'd have to say not good
I am not good..
but that depends..
K!
- How we gonna find this guy - What, am I a schmuck?
- Why? He's here? - Here is a relative term
He's a fifth dimensional being they can live and then visualize
in infinite time space probability simultaneously - Sounds like fun good work
- K! K! K!
You gotta fake my death K! I can't listen to sitar music anymore
- I'll See what I can do. I'll talk to X - K, I can't tell the women from the men
- May I see a watch? - Ohh it is 7:18
No! No! No! Your other watch the one your father gave you
- How do you know about my fathers watch - Ohhh, Dear
This is the one where Roman is dead and the gentleman at the bowling alley
So much death
such an infinitesimally small chance for success
- K! - Griffin, right?
- We are here ... - because of Boris the Animal
-Correct, we believe he may be coming
-to kill me, he'll be here in two minutes
unless of course we are in a possible future where he made all the lights on Dowery and got here earlier
where he's just about to discharge a weapon from the doorway
in this case we're all dead in two seconds
- Ah! Good that was a close one - K!! I need a space gun
- The Boglodytes consume any panet in their path
mine, Roman's.. the polaxians. I tried to stop them, but
if we can stop them here, if we can deny them Earth, we can stop them forever
they'll starve before they reach the next planet!
- 63 seconds! - How do we do that, stop them
What? Oh, sorry. I have something for you, a gift, it can protect you
I had to hide it from Boris, but if you find me again... I'll give it to you
Thank you... what a game, amazing it's a real miracle - Whoa whoa...
what do you mean what miracle? - About 30 seconds I have to go!
- Wait! Wait!! No no no we got you - Negative probabilities are multiplying
as we speak! 20 seconds - Alright, just alright we can..
- Calm! Calm! - Your watch is broken
and I have gastric distress.. - What is your place in the world
- Oh, dear
this is the one where Boris is coming through that over 12, 11, 10...
Wait! Did You have chocolate milk this morning?
- Yes! - Sandy!
- K! whip it - Got it
- Damn it!
- Good good, what you got? - Nothing
Damn it! We had him - You gotta relax Cochise We'll find him
- First of all, my name is J! ok. Its not son, its
not slick and it damned sure ain’t no Cochise
and i won’t relax because we are running out of time
we're running out of clues, and there's an invasion is coming
and you're not really recognizing my voicial intensity
Oh, but there was one guy who can help Hey, Griffin!
Griffin! where's Griffin! Griffin, where's Griffin at K? He's gone
If Boris get to him before we do that's no Bueno!
- We need pie - What?
- My grandaddy always said if you got a problem that you can't solve
helps get it out of your head, pie is good
- pie? - Yes
- your grandaddy, have you seen him? - A little bit
- You know what we been doing smart stuff We've been following clues
involving real police work it might be time we do something stupid
something that ain’t got nothing to do with nothing
Do you know what! Now I want some pie K, I want some pie
Let's go get some dumb ass pie
- Sounds good
- Have you any specials? - My associate will have the same thing
he always has after he looks at the menu for
10 minutes and asks about the specials twice
he's gonna have a slice of apple pie with a nasty piece of cheddar
I'm gonna have the strawberry rhubarb
since its my last meal I'm gonna splurge a little bit
World class serial killer out there and we're having pie
- What you do with your spare time stretch? - Arrrgh....
- You see I sense you not embracing the concept here
pie don't work unless you let it
- I'm a, I'm a let it
- when you said we don't talk, right? go ahead ask me any question, anything you want
just as long as it doesn't have to do with the case.. just let her rip
- Whats up with you and O?
- Me and O? - Yeh, you and O
Alright, alright.. alright this is it
A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician Mick Jagger
he was in this British group
Rolling Stones - rings a bell
- we believed he's on the planet to breed with earth women
so I was in London and that’s when I met O
She's smart.. funny.. great smile
and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistlers Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate
we just played darts 'til the sun came up
neither of us wanted to leave
- what the hell happened to you, man?
- I do not know it hasn't happened yet
Come on, what about you slick? In the future you got yourself a girl?
- I got you
- I can not believe this, the New York Mets.. total losers
- it's a rough time to be a Mets fan
- tell me about it? Never gonna catch the cubs
Funny, the Mets actually win it all this year
- Oh Yeah - No I'm serious man
- I'm sure - its true
three months from now your buddies down there are gonna be calling on you
"Amazing Mets" and the "Miracle Mets"
- What?
What've you got there Hoss?
- the Arcanian said: "It's amazing, it's a miracle, I'll see you at the game"
- I know where he is - Told you to trust the pie
If Griffin is here for a game he's either too early or too late
- He's here, just gotta find him before Boris does
- think it's time to give you your things back, partner
- I see you once you get some pie in you you become all mushy
- I'm just tired of carrying your stuff
- Ohh, Come on, come on, alright now! Let's go, Mets! Let's go, Mets! Let's go, Mets!
- Let's go, Mets! - Griffin - Ohh...
you're just in time unless this is the one where Robinson bat
hops to pass third, it's almost over
- are we missing something? - the game
- so this is how you see things, this is amazing
- it's a gigantic pain in the ass
but it has its moments
- but this game doesn't happen till October
- but it's always October and November and March
so many futures and they're all real
just don't know which one will coalesce until then they're all happening
like this one, it's my favourite moment in human history
all the things that had to converge
for the Mets to win the World Series they were in last place
every single season until they won it all
- You said you have a gift for us - That baseball, for instance
thrown for the last out in game five, manufatured in 1962
by the Spalding factory in Chicopee, Massachusetts
was aerodynamically flawed
due to the horse hide being improperly tanned
because Sheila, the Tanner's wife, left him for a Puerto Rican
golf pro that sunday
- the Gift? - Ohh Ohh yes of course, its in the box
its a surprise to protect the Earth, it's a shield
Shield... Arcanian... ArcNet
that's what you did you put up the ArcNet
- How did I do that?
- When that ball is pitched to Davey Johnson who only became a baseball player
because his father couldn't find a football
to give him for his 8th birthday
it hits his bat two micrometers too high causing him to pop up
to Cleon Jones, who would have been born Clara,
a statistical typist if the parents didn't have an
extra glass of wine that night before going to bed
A miracle is what seems impossible, but happens anyway
I lost my planet
I don't want you to lose yours
It will take a miracle, but if you pull this off
you'll be my new favourite moment in human history
Oh, dear
I forgot to see this one coming
Damn!!
- Ever used in the future? - No
- Get on
keep gyro settings to zero gain
balance pitch and yaw with short bursts on the center stalk between 80 and 100psi
- I didn't understand any of that
- gyro is zero gain - it is
- pitch and yaw with short bursts on the center stalk
- I did
- between 80 and 100psi
- got it
- the ArcNet give it to me
- don't think this is the right way to get it
- you right there chief? - hell yeh, be better with four wheels
two is like my minimum!
- What happens if Boris gets the ArcNet?
- Boglodyte invasion
total destruction of Earth
- the box
good boy
- gotta stop this guy
I keep trying, you haven't been trying
- hey slick, in the future we ever do the "Texas Two Step??"
- yes, sir
- did you get him? - give me a sec
- is he dead? - negative
he got away
- well I've got Griffin lets get out of here
- I feel younger already
July 16, 1969, 3:06
- you pathetic waste of Boglodyte flesh
I'd kill you right now if I didn't value my own life me
- Who are you?
look at you, every mistake that I made
just waiting to happen - what happened to my arm?
- you lose it, shot off by a human - no human can defeat me
- you spend the next 40 years in prison
chained up like an animal
- no prison can hold me - they built one specially for us
on the moon
- no human has been to the moon so they cannot have built it there already
- stop arguing, you can avoid all of this if you just listen to me
you were defeated, you let it get shot off, it wasn't me that was you
- what's your plan? - prevent the ArcNet from being deployed
- kill anyone who tries - good plan, didn't work
with my help we get the ArcNet,
kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful
and we'll get to keep both of our arms
Stop staring at it!
Listen
- you alright? - yeah, arrgh.. thank you for saving my life
- it's what we do
- you still have the ArcNet?
- when you're being hunted by Boris the animal you get good at hiding things
this will save your world
once its outside the atmosphere it gets a whole lot bigger
all you have to do is deploy it
- you mean in space? well how you suppose we do that
- it's just one small step
#Moon Launch Today#
- the moon launch
- Cape Canaveral!
July 16, 1969
- we got 6 hours to get to Florida
better get a move on slick hurry get out of my way - err, hold up
not us, I'm gonna do this one alone
- no! He has to be the one
- what do you mean alone?
- means, I'm gonna go to Florida and you're gonna stay here
and I need you to trust me on this one
- trust you? I don't think so
something you're not telling me slick?
- I'm telling you you're not going to Florida
- well that ain’t going to happen partner
- K please, I'll will not allow you to go to Florida
- stop me
- you die there
Cape Canaveral Apollo launch
Boris kills you there
that’s what I'm here for that's what I came back to stop
- Oh, dear we are in this one
- K, I saw the file, I looked at the report
now I know I said that I told you everything but you got..
- that's for lying to me - look I'm sorry man
- that's for telling me the truth
- trying to protect you... man
- the bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie
he has to go to Cape Canaveral
he must deploy the ArcNet as he did before
there's no other way
K is the only hope in saving Earth
- can I save him? is there any future where I save his life?
- yes...
but where there is death, there will always be death
- according to you I've done this before so we know its possible
if you're half the agent you say you are you'll make sure I don't get killed doing it
So, we're partners? you tell me
- lets go
- Agent K, how are you - I'm good
Ok! Group hug on your way to do what we're doing
Good morning, man is about to launch himself for a trip to the Moon
with the expectation of landing there
- look, I gotta ask you, if we pull this off
fix things return the way they were
O and I.....?
- a wise old man once told me:
((Don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answer to))
- I said that didn't I? - yes.. sir
- here they are - what are they?
- jet-packs - jet-packs?
no, no no, we're not doing jet-packs. there's a reason we don't have these things in the future
K, we got to drive
- can't drive to Florida from Manhattan in five hours chief
- yeh, yeh, we can! The red button is standard issue in every MIB car you press the red button
goes into hyper-drive
- no red buttons yet slick
- come on, man
- you even know how to work this stupid thing
- like with everything, you have to strap yourself in and hope for the best..
- ain't that right Miss O? - unfortunately it is
- you ready slick? - lets get it
- this is going to be interesting
so glad this isn't one of the times we explode - one of the times
- oh, we got company
- what the hell!?
is that a battery belt?
- alright I got it
- no!
any reality that gets the shield deployed
is one when you tell the truth
- the truth? - the truth is the only path
- this is a restricted area
- yes sir, it is
good day gentlemen great day for America isn't it
my name is Agent J, this is Agent K, that's Griff we're from a secret government organization
that polices and monitors alien activity
on and off of planet Earth
now here’s the thing, we have this special little metal thingy
that Griff gave us and we have to get it on top of that rocket
to prevent an alien invasion
- that worked - like a charm
- Sir, Delta gang. We may have a problem - three trespassers
no ID's but they've got weapons, sir the kind I've never seen before
- what breed of damn fool do you have to be to penetrate my launch site of the day of
the most massive feat ever attempted by mankind?
watched by God, the population of the entire planet and my own first born
Colonel, colonel they had these
they said they need to put something on the rocket for an invasion
- thank you! - I got 10 minutes to launch
if you pose a threat to that rocket, you tell me now
and do not lie to me!
- I told the truth last time
- sir, this man came here from the future to protect me so
I could attach a shield to the top of that rocket shield and save the world
need your help to do that
- take'em to the brig - you're slipping Griff!
- sir, if I may...
- corporal, you men are no longer needed I'll take the prisoners
- sir - dismissed
follow me
- hey, you did that future thing on him what did you show him
- only what he needed to see... I have to go now!
- what? no.. no.. no.. come on - you don't need me anymore
hey Griff don't start flipping on me, I need you to
- when Boris's arm is taken the past will be as it was K will survive
he will not know that you ever were here
- alright arm gone.. got it.. like a reset
- when that happens, go home, leave
- hey, slick you coming? - yo, yeah, alright
- thanks man. Hey, will I ever see you again? - anythings is possible
- Griff!
- I can never bear to watch this part
Armstrong and Aldrin are scheduled
to set foot on the moon on early Monday morning
Eastern Daylight Time
- where's Griff? - doing his own thing
- Gentlemen!
this elevator will take you to the top. To get the ArcNet outside the atmosphere
you need to strap it to the escape rocket above the capsule.
You do not want to be anywhere near this rocket when it takes off
Questions? - No. Thank you for this, Colonel
- good job you got here - hey, thanks, thanks a lot bro!
- what did Griff show you back there? - he showed me how important you are
you and your partner
Hey look if everything goes right the way we
hope it does then I'll probably end up having to get out of here pretty quick so
I'm not going to have a chance to say a proper goodbye
- if things go wrong I'm not going to have a chance to either
- I guess win or lose this is it
- I see why I recruited you
you're a good man
good man
- man, what the hell happened to you? - told you it still hasn't happened yet
- I'll take this one - naughty..
- might want to get a pedicure if you get a second
- and lift off
Just passed the 2 minute mark in the countdown
and all is still go as we monitor our status boards
Astronauts report it feels good, power transfer is complete
Neil Armstrong has just reported back its been a real smooth countdown
- Hey! Boris can you give me a hand... Hey!
Hey! you hear me calling you?
Boris the animal! Hey, Boris the animal!
- It's just Boris!
- You're gonna lose - Lets agree to disagree
Heeey! Boris the animal!
July 16, 1969, 9:30
July 16, 1969, 9:31
July 16, 1969, 9:30
- you're going to lose - lets agree to disagree
Heeey! Boris the animal!
- that's not possible! - lets agree to disagree
- that's not possible!
K!
I win! I'm better than me!
- that's my partner, that's my partner
- we call this in or scrub the launch - I didn't see anything
- where's your partner? - he's fine he went home
- how's that work? - you got me
- Come on...
get down!
- Wow!!
- Bingo!...
- man, that's some next level stuff
- you ever want to see more I know a a top-secret
organization that could use a man like you
- I wish I could
- thankyou - well, see you around K
- look out!!!
- go ahead arrest me!
- not this time
- "Where there’s death there will always be death"
- Daddy... Daddy...
- Hey, hey my name's K what's your name?
- James - James, that’s a nice name
- where's my dad?
- what've you got there, what is that? - my dad gave it to me to watch the launch
- where's my daddy?
- he... he went to go do something very special
and he wanted me to stay here and take care of his best pal
- when's he gonna be back?
- he...
James, if you look right here I will tell you the only thing you ever need to know
Your daddy is a hero! - my daddy is a hero?
- want to take a walk with me - yes
- James...
- you're late
- sorry I lost track of time
how do you know that song?
- drink your coffee, we got work to do
- what do you know and what don't you know?
- how the hell do I know what I don't know?
- that's a really good question
- did we go to Wu's last night? - yeah
- Boglodytes - been extinct for 40 years
- Perfect. Did we talk on the phone last night?
- you hung up on me - yeah I did
but it was because of all those secrets the universe doesn't know about
but I realized that last night was a long, long time ago
and I really just want to say thank you - it's been my privilege
- you know there is a really high possibility now
that I might know some things you don't know
- I doubt it
- Hey, I bet I know what went down between you and O
- she's a very fine lady but you know the rule: no fraternization between agents
- well, I think you might have already fraternized a time or two
- this is my new favorite moment in human history
unless this is the one where K forgot forgot to leave a tip
- almost forgot
- That... was a close one